Partners for Life. Marriage: The Ultimate Duet (with Special Video Clip!)

In today's day and age, just about everyone is an expert about things like life, relationships and dare we even mention marriage?! The average person is clear about life values, what's important, how to judge others (or rather not to) and just about anything that's worthy of being under the heading of "life-skills."

Looking at today's divorce rates, it's clear, "everyone" is an authority about what being a life partner is all about, and how to go about finding one too. Running a Shidduch service and "bumping into" dozens of young (and elderly) singles, I've learned that it's the young who are far clearer today about real moral ethics than the elderly have ever been. They are often ready to share their own knowledge about what they know as being right – whether in terms of who they are looking for (rightly so!) or whether in terms of how the Shadchan should do their job. They are quick to let you know whether you're entitled to charge for your efforts – and even quicker to let you know that you just don't know a thing about life (or them!) There are of course those who are sincere, ready for real life and willing to hear another opinion. (And to those like that, I say "THANK YOU!")

Today, everything is about instant gratification. We're the ultimate "I"nstant generation. Whether it's the latest gadget (that may have an "I" somewhere in its name – usually at the very beginning!) or whether it's simply about the "I"go (sic). The main thing is that in today's world a 56K "I"nternet line no longer does it for the need for speed when it comes to downloads, uploads or "I"nstant talk with a prospective partner (for life!) Today everything is Mega this and Mega that (taken out of the context of MArriaGE!)

The world of Shidduchim has become far too laborious for the average "I" person. In the "good ol' days" a caring and concerned friend (mentor etc.) would take charge of guiding two people to their future destiny. Today it's "I"nternet sites filled with pictures of just about every variety of colour and shape anyone could ever imagine. Clicking on the image will give "I"nstant gratification as one learns all about another person, from their age and location to their favourite hobbies and what they enjoy doing with their time when life is simply too boring to doing anything worthwhile.

The main page of many of these sites sports a graphic or the like, indicating the "successful" marriages made – often in the thousands – luring the newbie into imagining that the fantasy portrayed is the reality. Personally, I've never seen any of the sites indicating if anyone divorced and whether the general statistic of the divorce rate applies to individuals meeting this way (though I do know of people who have divorced.)

Are people fickle though? In setting up our Shidduch database, we put effort into designing a comprehensive questionnaire to really steer singles into learning about themselves and what they want in life. Many have never joined us because they felt the questionnaire was too long – and they wanted to stick with the "I"nstant gratification principle. Speed! If only there was something quick – they said! So we set up a special 60 second Shidduch database exclusive to the "I" generation person. In just 60 seconds, you can find out exactly who you are, tell us about yourself and we'll let other "on-the-go" singles know all about you. Great idea?! Ironically, emails came in laughing at the thought of the possibility of a 60 second Shidduch.

Today – we have both options available. If you're ready to get serious – there's work to be done! But if you think that's funny, you can always join the quick-fix! Of course, if you think that *that's* funny and you feel things should actually be serious, and you're still laughing at the serious system – then you may find yourself at a loss for ever finding someone – let alone – yourself.

So what could we imagine marriage to really be all about? Do we realise the commitment we're making or are we more interested in the quick-fix (how ever it comes about and how ever long it lasts for?!)

Imagine a piano… It plays music. Great! You could get yourself some good keyboards for just a few hundred dollars. Now, imagine learning how to play it. It's going to take time, and money of course. But even then for just another few hundred dollars you could probably manage that too. You could even become good at it. But it still requires some commitment.

Ever played piano together with someone else though? It's called a duet. And now, playing piano takes on new vistas altogether. It's not really all about the "I" any longer actually. It's now about the "you", the "we" and "it's really best that we keep in tune!" It's all about the timing and the time… It takes a lot more effort to play together, in harmony, in time and with the correct rhythm when you've got to coordinate your music with someone else.

And then of course imagine switching roles every now and again?! Imagine jumping from your side of the piano to your partners, as they take over your role – and then back again – yet again! 

Imagine though handling all this. And as you change roles (a breather!) you still have enough time for a moment of love. Imagine sharing a touch as you pass each other – a touch of kindness and love as the roles are exchanged. Imagine finding the time for this?!

Imagine – as things always happen – that as you're busy changing roles you collapse! But you still get up again remembering exactly where you left off? No hard feelings. No… The feelings of love are still there. Playing the piano can be great fun when done together. Playing music in harmony with another is a great blessing! And one never has to give up, because it can be done. 

Of course, the piano is easy to acquire, and even learning to play it can be done. But doing it all together takes much more work, and dealing with the normal "falls" of life can be quite disconcerting!  But when one is doing all this with a life time friend – one might find it a lot easier. After 62 odd years together, one might actually enjoy it.

I guess that's what marriage is really all about. It's about getting the piano together. It's about learning how to play the duet together. It's about changing roles and still showing the love when both are needed (always of course!) And it's about being able to get up after the fall – still with a great smile on one's face. It's not at all instant. I don't believe 60 seconds will do it (though it's there for those who are interested!)

But, as so many young (young) singles have shared – what do Shadchanim know about making introductions today?! They really don't know a thing about the person concerned, nor what's important in a married life. I must therefore take leave of all this preaching, and leave it to the experts now.

Enjoy the video. Just a superficial glance is enough to tell anyone in just a short moment – what marriage is really all about.

The Dream Machine - Saving a Jewish Life

Imagine being Jewish – practically alone – living in Poland, surrounded by non-Jews. There's no shul nearby, no Jewish community and almost no practical way of observing Yiddishkeit. But you still continue to – because life circumstances have brought you there, and you are unable to leave. Your only real resource to the outer Jewish world – is your computer. You even use it to learn Torah online. You also use it to keep in touch with others through Facebook and the like.

Now, imagine that this is you – and you become severely sick. Imagine suddenly being struck with the "C" disease (G-d forbid,) and still stranded! But that's not all. Your breathing becomes worse and worse each day, as you almost have to gasp for breath with each breath you take. You have no money, and don't even know where to turn for real medical assistance. Imagine looking online and seeing the variety of oxygen machines available at a "nominal" cost, but having no way to purchase this machine. It sits in a box achieving nothing – while you continue to gasp for air. 

Imagine asking for help from others, and being questioned, "What would a Jew be doing in Poland?", or even better, "There's no need for us to help… ask the organisations in Poland for help." Imagine being poked and prodded at with a variety of questions that do nothing more than make you more ill?!

The story is real. When Chaim turned to us, we skipped the formalities. We understood his situation and pushed forward within moments to raise the sum of money needed to purchase the oxygen concentrator – the machine that had up until then – only been in his dreams. This machine would allow him to breath and live normally again.

Without delay, we set up a page on our web page, exclusively devoted to raising the necessary funds to purchase the machine in Poland itself. We advertised on Facebook and a variety of Internet newsgroups for people to contribute – and the donations came in generously! Within two days, the entire amount was raised! Calls were placed between ourselves and the store in Poland to arrange for purchase. Money was sitting in our Paypal balance and would only come through some 10 days later. Time was too short to waste on a week of waiting. 

Fortunately a friend came through for us, having a bank account with the same bank as the store – and was able to make a direct transfer using his own cash – being prepared to wait for our Paypal funds to be cleared and then deposited into his account.

Due to a slight delay (the delivery person had left work 10 minutes early!) the order would only be processed on Friday – meaning that the machine could only arrive (from 700 kilometres away) on Shabbat day! Immediately we asked a Shaila from a well qualified rabbi who instructed us in the correct approach to take in this literal life saving operation – and how to accept and get the machine working on Shabbat in a way that the Halacha would allow for.

Indeed not only was everything followed to the letter, but it was due to the kindness of non-Jewish neighbours that the machine was accepted and set up, giving Chaim the ability to breath again!

Chaim's redemption is not yet complete. He is still in need of regular assistance.

Chaim's situation is frightening – because it can happen to anyone. What would we be feeling if we found ourselves in such a suffocating situation?! Would we appreciate the poking and prodding of others and the countless questions as to why we hadn't lived our lives correctly in the right places around the right people?! Would we want some sympathy and kindness to help us out and free us?!

Chessed Ve'Emet is an organisation devoted to helping people in great genuine need. Join us in acts of goodness and kindness – together!

17 Tammuz: What there is. What there Can be...

The 17th of Tammuz marks the date of the beginning of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. It began with the breaching of the walls and continued, until ultimately on the 9th day of the month of Av the Temple was set alight, and burnt to the ground. Our main physical reminder of the Temple is the Kotel HaMaaravi – the Western Wall.

The Temple is the ultimate structure we all long for. A tiny blog post of just a few lines will surely do no justice to the loss we actually have. While the physical building is a certain loss, it is nothing in comparison with the power behind this "building" and its ultimate message – complete peace and freedom – for every single person and for every single thing. Our fasting represents in our efforts of mourning, but a spark in comparison to the fierce flames that burnt the building down. 

Many are surprised to hear that there are many outstanding and ordinary individuals that recite the entire Tikun Chatzot prayers every single evening at the correct time (6 hours after the stars come out – according to Rabbi Nachman of Breslov. Midnight (based upon timed-hours, not 12pm exactly) according to the Shulchan Aruch and other sources.) 

Yet others are surprised to learn that when building a new home, one must leave a patch of the inside area completely exposed, never to be painted properly – all as a remembrance of the destruction that occurred. And yet there are still others completely oblivious to the law in Jerusalem of not playing music at a wedding or Simcha (except for one instrument only i.e. a drum!) – in memory of the destruction around us. Still others ignore the fact that provided they pray as indicated by Jewish law, they will include at least three prayers every single day asking for the rebuilding of the Temple!

It may seem like we mourn this destruction for just three weeks of every year, but those that know what the real loss is mourn it every single day… every moment. Ever found yourself crying over not having enough money to pay the bills? You're mourning the destruction – and you may not even know it. Ever found yourself in physical pain? You're mourning the loss of the Temple without even knowing it! But these are really just the ice-breakers of what the pain to us is really all about when it comes to truly appreciating our loss.

I'd like to share a story. It could be written on any post, but it somehow fits in well with the general theme of loss, of destruction, of a lack of appreciation, of our readiness to humiliate, laugh and scoff at everything around us without a care in the world of appreciating true greatness. I think it gives us the ability to consider people differently, and ultimately realise what true growth is, what true greatness is, and perhaps even encourage us to take the necessary steps in building the Beit HaMikdash – today!

The story is told about the great Posek (ruler on Jewish law par excellence) – Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (1895-1986). He grew up in Russia and by the age of 16 (according to at least one authoritative opinion) had already been through and mastered the entire Talmud and Shulchan Aruch – the basic keys to the entire Jewish tradition! He was said to have worked through these texts hundreds of times in his lifetime!

Times were exceptionally difficult for the Jews of Russia during the years that Rav Moshe was growing up. For those wishing to find out just what he went through, there is a published biography of his life by Artscroll publishers. In addition for even further insight – the 8th book of the Igrot Kodesh includes a comprehensive biography – not to be skipped!

In his late 30's Rav Moshe had to flee Russia and he had to do so fast! He did not know which place would be better for him – but he decided to flee to the USA. Ironically, though this would become the huge centre of Torah it is today – back in those days it was not an easy thing to get a job as a Torah teacher (of any kind) there! Friends and family convinced Rav Moshe not to come to the States. How would he ever get a job? Who would employ him? He was just a rabbi. Nobody wanted a rabbi in America!

Rav Moshe however knew well the danger of remaining in Russia. Not only was one's physical life at risk, but worse, one's very spiritual life was in danger. Staying in Russia meant, that even if one would be a great rabbi, it could be quite realistic to assume that one's children would lack a Jewish education – perhaps not even know what Jewishness meant!

Rav Moshe had his answer ready to all those that condemned his "irresponsible" decision to immigrate to the USA. He told them that as far as he was concerned, even if he would be required to sweep the streets (and not be able to focus on Torah learning or teaching ever again,) he would sooner be living in America and be able to give his children the chance of living as Jews, than to risk the dangers of living in Russia!

Of course, Rav Moshe could certainly have stayed behind in Russia and hoped for the best. However, he took the brave choice of moving to America just to give his children the opportunity to live as free Jews! To be able to learn Torah without the threat of immediate death. And even if it meant sweeping streets, this would be far better than not giving them any education at all.

The story is a beautiful one. But something is missing! We know how it all ended up. Rav Moshe became the Gadol HaDor – the giant of the generation in terms of Halacha. No serious student of Jewish law will begin to rule – without a thorough knowledge of Rav Moshe's Teshuvas (responsa) as published in his 8 volume Igrot Moshe – answers of questions dealing with just about every part of life one can imagine! Answers so encyclopaedic in nature, that one can only but marvel that the author must have had the entire Torah closer to his finger tips than any of the most modern computer disks with the entire Torah on a disk! The answers came out at speeds faster than a computer with quotations and relevant points being written much as one would write a letter to one's friend (without even the need for hours of thought!)

So what is the missing link in the story?! It seems like everything worked out well – didn't it?! The missing link is right there – in the thirties – those years that Rav Moshe was making plans to go to America. While Rav Moshe was preparing for the possibility of becoming great (the great man he was indeed to become) the rest of the world, friends and family – no less(!) were warning him that his Torah was not needed. Nobody would pay for it, and if he would have been lucky – he could have merited to sweep the streets to earn his way in life.

And what a loss that would have been to the world. Of course, in retrospect, everybody could clearly see just how great Rav Moshe was, but in the present, they were not prepared (sic). They were prepared for nothing less than insults, complaints, criticisms and a variety of other most negative statements!

Has the situation changed? Have we yet come to appreciate the value of a Torah scholar – or do we constantly feel him to be a waste of time? Would it indeed be better for him to sweep streets, pack shelves, and clean houses, than to study and be able to contribute something worthwhile to the world? Of course, not everyone is a Rav Moshe. But I guess… had Rav Moshe ended up sweeping the streets, the world might never have been able to make such a statement… because Rav Moshe would not have become Rav Moshe.

Our acknowledgment of the greatness of another and his desire to succeed in a given field not only gives him the encouragement to want to become that great person, but in addition, we quite often find that life turns around, and the one so encouraged, ends up bringing blessing to the entire world including the one who did the encouraging!

Of course, this is no less true of the Temple either. As we look at the "street sweeper" as it lies in ruins (right by the Kotel), we consider it too as nothing less than ruins – something old, something destroyed, something worthy of nothing. But in truth, the soul of the Temple is still there, and is waiting to be woken up. Our Torah study and our Mitzvot literally bring it to life.

When we encourage another instead of criticize; when we appreciate the other for who they are; when we see their greatness even where it does not yet show (and may never too!); when we begin to realise what there can actually be – then we begin the process of growth, one that builds mountains, one that builds lands and countries, one that builds the world, and ultimately builds the most precious of all buildings – the Beit HaMikdash itself.

Of course, we all have free choice. We can see another human being as a street sweeper. And we can see a building as a ruin. Alternatively we can be greater than the average Joe. Where others see street sweepers, we can see giants! And where others see ruins – we can see the beginnings of freedom, happiness, satisfaction and goodness. What a wonderful world – if only we could open our eyes.